How the Grump stole Christmas

Category: Asia, Global, U.S.A.
By Paul Mackintosh

(With apologies to Dr. Seuss)

Every D in DCville liked Christmas a lot...
But the Grump, who lived north of DCville, Did NOT!
The Grump hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his quiff wasn’t screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his fists were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, age or mental disease,

He stood there on Ballot Eve, hating the Ds,
Staring down with a sour, Grumpy frown, from his hole,
At the warm lighted windows in the Capitol.
For he knew every D in DCville below,
Was hanging a sign saying “No Grump here, no!!”
“And they’re hanging their banners!” he snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow is Poll Day! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his big Grump hands nervously drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”
And the more the Grump thought that the Ds might just win,
The more the Grump thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why, for seventy years I’ve put up with it now!”
“I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

“I’ll deny climate change, then there’ll be no more snow,”
“And without any snow, how will Santa’s sleigh go?”
“I know what to do!” The Grump laughed in his throat.
And he made a fake Santy Claus gown and coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Grumpy trick!”
“With this gown and this coat, I look just like Saint Nick!”
“All I need is a gnome...” The Grump looked around.
But, since gnomes love cash, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grump? No! The Grump simply said,
“If I can’t find a gnome, then I’ll make one instead!”
So he called his dog Bannon and took some red thread,
And he tied a big gnomish hat on his head.
THEN he loaded some old empty bags full of lies,
In a Grump Shuttle jet and he took to the skies.

Then the Grump said, “Let’s go!” And the jet thundered down.
Beltway-wards, where the Ds lay asleep in their town.
Snow covered the first house and made it all white,
Where the Ds dreamed sweet dreams without care through the night.

“This is stop number one,” the old Grumpy Claus hissed,
And he climbed to the roof, bags of wind in his fist,
And shinned over the shingles; it was rather a hump,
But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Grump.
Then he slid down the flue, with a smile most unpleasant,
And looked round the room, and he took every present!
Healthcare plans! Climate treaties! Education! Fair laws!
Rainbow marriage equality! Bad Grumpy Claus!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grump, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
And he filled all the stockings with lies and stale wind,
Leaving just empty bluster and sour grapes behind.
Then heard a small sound as he tackled the tree.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small D!

Little Sasha! The Grump was caught by this tiny D daughter,
Who’d got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Grump and said, “Santy Claus, why?”
“Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?”
But, you know, that old Grump was so smart and so slick,
And so good with his lies, so he thought one up quick!
“Why, my sweet little tot,” the fake Santy Claus lied,
“There’s a beacon of hope that won’t light on one side.”
“I’ll take the tree up to my tower, my dear,”
“I’ll fix it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.”
And he left by the flue to fly back to Mt. Grumpit,
And flew with his haul to Grump Tower to dump it!
“PoohPooh to the Ds!” he was grumpily humming.
“They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming!”

Then he heard a sound rising over the snow.
It started down low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at DCville! The Grump popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every D in DCville, black, brown, yellow, white,
Was singing! With brotherly, sisterly might!
He HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grump, his big Grumpy hands cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?”
“It came without fear, and it came without lies!”
“It came without walls reaching up to the skies!”
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore
Then the Grump thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come out of greed.”
“Maybe Christmas... perhaps more what I need!”
And what happened then? In DCville they say,
That the Grump’s tiny heart grew three sizes that day!
And he called for the doggy gnome Bannon he’d hired,
And told him: “My wicked apprentice, you’re fired!”
And flew back with the goodies! Pell-mell! Herky-jerky!
And he, HE HIMSELF, was the Grump Christmas Turkey!